There’s only one trouble with this blog. Nobody reads it. Oh, Jinx the Cat comes by sometimes. My wife. There’s a guy in Peoria used to drop in. My mother would probably read it, except she died.
That’s the one drawback to perfect freedom. I only write about what I’m in the mood to write about. “Hey, let’s go read that guy who writes about hippies in the 1960s.” But then you get here and the I’m explaining how to fix a sink. I’m making silly jokes or writing down my dreams. I’m posting the latest chapter to my novel. Anything, in fact, except hippies in the Hashbury in the 1960s. No wonder no search engine can find the Pindering Pog.
So far, the only people who can make sense out of it are people who relate to talking pigs. Of whom there are less than one dozen in the entire world. So I’ve been doing some reading up on how to attract more readers.
Secret #1: A nice clear name makes it easier for kindred spirits to find your blog. For instance, a blog called “Cheeses of France” will find lots of readers who want to read about cheese in France. If I was smart I’d change my name to Haight-Ashbury Hippies in the Sixties.com, or Funny Stories About Plumbing.com, get it?
But then I’d have to write about one stupid thing all day and you’d get mad when you came here and I was actually writing about a tortilla I ate once. And if I just wrote about that stupid tortilla all day I’d get bored and wouldn’t write anything. So I live for my art in a garret when I could be living in a villa in the south of France writing my successful blog about plumbing and Mick and Keith and Marianne Faithfull would drop by for tea. Even though they never wrote successful blogs about anything. Is that clear? Maybe I wouldn’t let them in.
Speaking of blogs, I see that John McCain’s daughter has a blog. She writes about stuff like her mother’s favorite songs from the 1980s, posts pics of hot security guards and puts up letters from readers who love her blog. She generally tries to look fun and with it like Chelsea. Trouble is Chelsea is a registered, pedigreed celebrity while nobody but the Pindering Pog is interested in Meghan McCain. And even I’m not much interested.
She writes with two friends who call themselves The Blogettes. It would be good if they wrote more like Republican Wonkettes but they pretty much stick to stuff like their favorite songs of the week and photos of Mom putting on her makeup in the campaign plane.
Now, if Chelsea wrote a blog, people would be lined up out the door to hear about her dinner with Warren Beatty or her hamburger with MIssy Possum. If Obama’s children wrote a blog, well, I guess they’re not registered celebrities either. But if they did a lot of people besides little kids and me would read it.
Celebrities can write about whatever they want to and people swarm to read them, while normal people have to write blogs like Collecting_Little_Golden_Books.com or Fixing_your_plumbing.com. So Secret #2 is: Be a celebrity.
Since I don’t have that option, I guess the next thing for me is to decide what I want to write about, stick to it for at least two weeks, and then send an email to Mick and Keith and Marianne to see if they’re still living in Provence. Let ’em know I’m coming.